


31 Bonds

by technologyisadeadbird



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Character Analysis, F/F, F/M, Introspection, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28501305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technologyisadeadbird/pseuds/technologyisadeadbird
Summary: Hello, this is a sort of challenge I'm doing for myself as an exercise to improve my writing and also a tribute to Evangelion before it ends on January 23rd. I would go up until that point but I've decided I'm gonna do the whole month. I may slip up a bit but we'll see how it goes. Each chapter is kind of meant to be an exploration of two characters and their relationship to each other. Some of these have been explored a ton before but others are ones that haven't been touched at all that I think could be interesting to write about. The relationships I'm discussing are in the tags, hopefully I'll be able to do them all. Also I only included ship tags as relationships that are mutually romantic. There will be chapters exploring unrequited love or more complicated relationships. There will be no smut or explicit sex but there may be discussion of it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy if you choose to read along with my writing. :)
Relationships: Akagi Ritsuko & Akagi Naoko, Akagi Ritsuko & Ibuki Maya, Akagi Ritsuko & Kaji Ryouji, Akagi Ritsuko & Katsuragi Misato, Aoba Shigeru & Hyuuga Makoto, Ayanami Rei & Ikari Gendo, Ayanami Rei & Ikari Shinji, Ayanami Rei & Nagisa Kaworu, Ayanami Rei & Souryuu Asuka Langley, Fuyutsuki Kouzou & Ikari Gendo, Fuyutsuki Kouzou & Ikari Yui, Horaki Hikari/Suzuhara Touji, Ikari Gendo & Ryouji Kaji, Ikari Gendou/Ikari Yui, Ikari Shinji & Ikari Yui, Ikari Shinji & Kaji Ryouji, Ikari Shinji & Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji & Suzuhara Touji, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Yui & Makinami Mari Illustrious, Kaji Ryouji/Katsuragi Misato, Katsuragi Misato & Nagisa Kaworu, Katsuragi Misato & Pen Pen, Makinami Mari Illustrious/Shikinami Asuka Langley, Nagisa Kaworu & Horaki Hikari, Nagisa Kaworu & SEELE, Souryuu Asuka Langley & Souryuu Kyouko Zeppelin, Suzuhara Sakura & Suzuhara Touji
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Asuka & Kaji (with Shinji)

Asuka Langley Soryu could not recall a time in her life where she wasn’t desperate to grow up. 

Always wanting to be seen, heard, to be the one in charge. The one who made all the decisions. The person people turned to when the question of what to do next was up in the air. Being an Eva pilot had brought Asuka some sense of superiority, even if it was slipping out of her hands at the moment.

Before Japan, it had just been her and Ryoji Kaji, an obviously good-looking and mature man, the kind of guy that could probably get any girl he desired. Except...Kaji wasn’t  _ that  _ kind of older man.

Maybe it was the deep-seated need to have a father figure (or really any parental figure at all) that made Asuka crave Kaji’s attention. He’d rejected her advances time and time again, and even though it hurt, she’d keep running back to him for validation. Asuka didn’t really know what she wanted him to say to her or what she was even truly looking for, she just knew that she needed  _ something _ .

Frankly, Asuka considered herself to be the loneliest person she knew, never able to keep a steady friend due to constant travel and an obnoxious personality that deterred everyone within a ten-foot radius. Kaji was the only person who ever even looked at her in a non-judgmental way. 

She’d never admit it, but having to be so goddamn independent all the time was exhausting. Late at night, when thoughts of her mother would flood Asuka’s mind, she’d long for the touch of somebody gentle and motherly. They would tell her that everything was alright, that she’d done enough for everyone and could rest now.

But Kaji wasn’t like that, and he didn’t care. It wasn’t like he neglected her or hated her, he was just...occupied. Occupied with work. Occupied with  _ Misato _ . Asuka didn’t even try with her, she knew Misato had zero skill in the comfort department. It wasn’t that Asuka even wanted her to be a mother figure, she was more like a friend if anything, despite being nearly 15 years older. It just bothered her to see Kaji be so close to Misato, to care about her so much.

But the feelings of jealousy were certainly worse when Kaji spoke to stupid Shinji with such high regard. Shinji was someone who outwardly needed others to validate his existence, to tell him what a good boy he was and how great he was doing. It made Asuka want to throw up, and yet she wished others could recognize that that’s what she wanted too. She was a walking contradiction, wanting to live for herself but also wanting someone she could rely on to help her.

If Asuka was to truly be honest, Kaji wouldn’t make her happy no matter what he did. If suddenly one day everything changed, and Kaji reciprocated Asuka’s forwardness, she wouldn’t know what to do. There probably wouldn’t be an afterthought. Asuka would be too far away from him to reach that point.

Of course, this would never happen, and Asuka knew that. So why get her hopes up every time, or even try in the first place?

It was exactly that - the fact that it  _ wouldn’t _ happen.

Grown-up love was scary. Love in general was scary. Relationships were completely and utterly terrifying to someone like Asuka, who had never even been given the option to be loved herself. They were a part of being seen as older, as more mature, so she’d resigned herself to showing the world how much she wanted to be with Kaji, with older guys, guys who would take charge of the situation so she wouldn’t be saddled with it all the time.

That’s why kissing Shinji was the dumbest thing she’d ever done. Asuka didn’t love Shinji, she actually hated his guts. She was around him all the time though - at home, at school, at NERV. She had to watch the disappointment on his face when he spoke with his father, his sad attempts at trying to talk to the first, the way he’d clam up and blush whenever that weird skinny boy spoke to him. Even just seeing Shinji sit alone with his SDAT made Asuka want to punch him. He was just an easy target for those kinds of things, and therefore an easy experiment for Asuka’s secretly needy nature.

She’d framed it as a challenge, something she did out of boredom. Asuka knew Shinji hadn’t kissed anyone before and she knew he wouldn’t say no if she implied he was too scared to do it. In truth, Asuka was trying to see how he would react once the kiss was initiated. If she shoved affection into his hands, would he stop looking for it in other people? Would he finally take control for once?  _ Like a real man? _

But he didn’t.  _ Of course _ , he didn’t. It was the driest and most awkward kiss in the history of mankind, and Asuka realized halfway through that she should’ve known it would end up like that. Then she was angry because she’d just kissed  _ Shinji _ , someone she looked down upon, and gotten nothing out of it.

That night alone was when Asuka realized that she hated the thought of a relationship. Not just with Shinji, but with anyone. She would never, ever commit herself to anything real. She didn’t want kissing, cuddling, or any touch. It was all so  _ disgusting _ .

Chasing after Kaji kept up her pseudo confident image, so she decided to just keep doing that. He’d continue to reject her, just like always, but there was a sense of comfort that came with that, even if it didn’t feel like it.

Maybe Asuka should’ve realized from the start that she just really, really,  _ really  _ wanted her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shinji kinda made his way in there at the end because I love analyzing the kiss scene.


	2. Rei & Gendo

Living for him was like living for nothing at all.

Every eyepatch, cast, and bandage attained served as a reminder to Rei Ayanami that she was nothing more than a tool for Commander Ikari, entirely expendable and with none of the nuance normal children had.

If you asked Rei how she felt about Commander Ikari, she would be unable to dig up a real answer. Perhaps she’d say she had faith in him, but that wasn’t the complete truth. She did not know what he was like in private or how he felt about the people surrounding him. All she knew was how his voice sounded as he was telling her what she should be doing next.

The Commander was the only person she could trust, but she didn’t feel a need to cling to him. He kept her close to his side yet his mind was always off in the distance. Rei never asked for anything, never wanted for anything more. She listened to his orders and followed through with what she was told to do.

As for what she’d do when she wasn’t being ordered around, well, it had to be something quiet. Anything that wouldn’t draw too much attention. Attention from anyone other than Commander Ikari often meant questions being asked, questions Rei would likely never know the answer to.

Rei enjoyed reading as something to occupy the time spent in limbo. She had been fascinated with them ever since Commander Ikari placed one into her hands. Even before she could read the words inside, she’d been enamored by the way they looked, felt underneath her hands, smelled when she buried her face inside its pages. It didn’t really matter what kind of book it was, though she preferred ones that allowed her to learn something by the time she had finished. She supposed it was nice to realize that time spent alone had actually amounted to something.

The other pastime Rei practiced was not quite as pleasant. These were times when she would lay on her bed and stare at the greying wall of her dingy apartment to just  _ think _ about everything. What piloting the Eva meant to her, what this constant feeling of isolation from every other human being was, or why she was so different from others.

Mostly she thought about Commander Ikari. She thought about the day he’d come to rescue her from the damaged Unit-00. How he’d burned his hands prying open the door. How he’d smiled when he saw that she was alive and unharmed. The Commander hardly ever smiled - not for her, or anyone else. She didn’t know how to react.

Lately, thoughts of the Commander’s only son had been creeping in. In many ways, he reminded her of his father, and in many ways, he was totally different. Unlike the Commander, Ikari wasn’t cold or stern. He wore his emotions on his sleeve, no matter how badly he tried to hide them. Ikari was awkward in situations that should not have been awkward, angry when anger did not need to be present. Undecipherable, despising his father yet not knowing or daring to approach him at all.

Rei didn’t hate Ikari for that, but her loyalty to the Commander would never allow her to act otherwise.

Occasionally, the second would also make an appearance. She seemed to be a fairly loud and annoying girl to most people. Rei had overheard several of her male classmates griping about how the second’s good looks were wasted with her personality. Even Ikari couldn’t seem to stand her for very long. It appeared as if the only one who really made an attempt to be around the second was the class president.

Rei didn’t hate the second either, but she could not become close with someone who had called her a name she did not want to be known as.

And then there was the strange boy who resembled someone Rei could not recognize. She only really saw him hanging around Ikari or in the hallways alone. Rei did not wish to entertain the thoughts that came to her mind as she passed him, with his knowing smirk and unearthly red eyes that were just like hers.

After sync tests, when Rei would hear Ikari and the second bickering back and forth, she’d start to feel something in her chest. No matter how trashy the second’s insults got, or if Shinji’s face flushed as he attempted to fire one back at her, it wouldn’t stop. It had taken a lot of introspection for Rei to realize the feeling was a want for something she could not have. In those moments, she could feel all the unhappiness within them, and though they never expressed it well, at least they were able to express it at all.

Rei, on the other hand, was always stoic and always numb. Feelings were a foreign concept to her. What even was sadness? Anger? Disappointment? Happiness? Had she ever felt any of this?

_ Could  _ she ever feel any of it?

Perhaps Commander Ikari was the closest Rei would get to understanding kindness, or that word the red-eyed boy was always going on about. Commander Ikari had shown her care at the moment he came to save her, even if he hadn’t stopped to tend to her wounds afterward. Rei held onto those broken glasses of his because they gave her balance, and a reason to remember. A reason that was just as good as Ikari’s music player, the second’s defensive attitude, or the red-eyed boy’s aura of mystery.

Eventually, as the thoughts of her fellow pilots became stronger, and the missions grew louder and more perilous, Rei came to the conclusion that piloting for  _ him _ was like piloting for nothing at all.

So instead, she’d pilot for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, one of the weirdest relationships in all of Evangelion.


	3. Asuka & Mari

“What would you do if I died tomorrow?”

Mari chuckled into the darkness of the room shared between her and Asuka, illuminated only by a shoddy lamp perched in the corner. Nighttime had fallen, and the two women were ordered to go to bed early so they wouldn’t be exhausted during tomorrow’s mission to retrieve Unit-01. A container had just floated back, likely holding what remained of Shinji and the first child. It sent chills up Asuka’s spine just imagining the horrors they might find inside.

“What, you scared, princess? You’re not one to speculate such atrocities.”

Asuka scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Ugh. I know. I was just trying to make conversation.”

“Can’t sleep?”

Asuka paused at that. The answer was yes, but…

“I could-” Mari started.

“No,” Asuka interrupted quickly, “I’m fine, really. I’m not thinking about that stuff.”

The “stuff” in question was the horrible nature of Asuka’s childhood. Nightmares of her mother calling out for her, flashbacks of being trapped inside Unit-03, memories of a life that could’ve been.

These things tended to come up when Asuka was left alone with her thoughts. It wasn’t a constant thing, there _were_ nights where she was able to drift off easily. She could usually knock herself out immediately following a particularly tiring mission. Mari would just snort and comment on how the “princess” needed her beauty sleep.

That nickname. Of course, it was Mari who had coined it. And on the day they met, too. What a joke.

Mari was the first person Asuka was introduced to after being removed from quarantine. She’d entered a world entirely different from the one she’d known before. A world without stupid Shinji or stupid Rei, all because Shinji had decided to be selfish. Asuka was the only one who remained, and even she was close to the edge of death.

Oddly, Asuka had wished she were there when the Third Impact took place. Maybe she could’ve stopped Shinji from initiating it, or she would’ve just sat back and watched as the world destroyed itself. Sometimes it felt like all she could do was watch, no matter how hard she tried to save the day. There was only so much her frail fourteen-year-old hands could make possible.

As Asuka grew older and continued what she was destined to do, she became angrier at the world. Angrier at herself, even if it certainly didn’t look that way to an outsider. Asuka no longer had it in her to be immature or petty. Now she was truly being forced into adulthood.

The pilot of Unit-05, Mari Makinami, was always there with her. Her flippant attitude and untainted smile were enough indication to Asuka that Mari was not someone she would get along with. Sure, she carried a level of confidence that Shinji could never achieve, and she wasn’t irritatingly silent like the first, but the way she’d tease Asuka just to get a reaction really got on her nerves.

The Asuka before Unit-03 might’ve teased her right back or at least grown flustered from these remarks. But she was no more.

Still, Asuka was forced to work with Mari whether she liked it or not. The two girls formed a strange half-friendship that really only existed during work communications. Mari would often not take the missions too seriously, and she’d poke fun at Asuka for being completely engrossed in her job. But really, what else was there for her to cling to? She’d known all her life that Eva was all she had.

Despite her initial annoyance, Asuka had to reach a point where she was used to Mari and her eccentric traits. By the time they both officially reached adulthood, Asuka was able to tolerate Mari’s presence a lot more, though they hadn’t grown much closer.

This was also when WILLE became WILLE, and the two girls-turned-women began sharing a room. Asuka groaned at the mere suggestion of it but knew she couldn’t do anything about it. It was one of those “experiments” that would supposedly help the pilots grow closer so they could fight more in sync, an act that for some reason she’d one day expected to do with Shinji…

Mari was completely thrilled with the idea of sleeping in the same room as Asuka. A little _too_ thrilled, in fact. Asuka wondered if Mari only bugged her so much because she had no one else to turn to. It was probably true, neither of them had the spare time or ability to make any new friends.

_“Sharing a room with a girl as gorgeous as Shikinami? Why, aren’t you ever so kind, Captain Katsuragi!”_

_“Shut up, idiot.”_

To Asuka’s surprise, Mari was not nearly as loud in the rooms at night as she was during combat. She still talked and acted goofy, but even she would eventually get tired of that and had to wind down.

The thing that Asuka _really_ had not expected to happen was Mari becoming the person she depended on the most.

Looking back, maybe it was inevitable. Spending so much time alone together was bound to form some kind of bond, even if things were rocky in the beginning. Asuka had always admitted to herself that she was a hard nut to crack, never allowing anyone to see inside her, to see how she truly suffered.

That’s why it was incredibly embarrassing when Asuka woke up shaking and sweating that first night. Mari was looking down at her with a worried expression on her face. The first thing Asuka noticed was that Mari wasn’t wearing her glasses. She had never really looked at her up close before…

Then Asuka remembered _why_ . And she remembered the Angel infiltrating her mind, defiling her. She remembered losing her eye and the pain that came with knowing she’d never look normal again. She remembered crying for her mother, sobbing, begging her to please, please, _please_ just _remember_.

_“Shikinami, are you alright? You were...I mean, I...y-you’re crying.”_

Asuka’s trembling fingers flew to her cheeks where she indeed felt wet teardrops littering them. God, this was unfair.

 _“I- I can’t…”_ Asuka sputtered out.

Mari’s soft expression was a far cry from the amusing smirk she normally wore upon her face.

_“Shikinami, it’s okay! Um, if you’re worried I’ll be upset or annoyed...I won’t be. I’ll just…uh…”_

_“Go back...to sleep. I- I don’t want you to be here right now.”_

Asuka’s face was completely flushed with shame, terror, and sadness. Mari simply nodded and returned back to her own bed. For once in her life, she had given Asuka space.

Though that first night did not end with Asuka being comforted by Mari, the nights leading up sure did. Asuka couldn’t remember every detail, days tended to blur together over the course of ten years. Especially when you were doing nearly the same damn thing every single day.

But Asuka did recall how these encounters made her feel. Mari wouldn’t say a word, she wouldn’t try to help Asuka or calm her down. All she would do was wrap her arms around her, stroke her hair, lie in bed next to her, anything to make Asuka aware of her presence. It was the first time since her mother’s death that Asuka ever willingly allowed someone else to touch her.

Sometimes they did just talk about normal stuff. Well, whatever was normal in a post-Third Impact world. Often it would just be complaints of how their bodies were never going to look like proper adult ones.

To Asuka, it was the nicest thing she’d experienced in a long time.

In battle, Mari was still the same fourteen-year-old. She matured mentally at the same rate as Asuka yet never seemed to lose that playful sparkle in her eyes. Nowadays, Asuka’s irritation at Mari’s quips was mostly feigned. Even at 28, Asuka couldn’t say out loud that she liked having Mari around. Why that was so hard to do was beyond her, but it could probably be another ten or fifteen years (give or take) before she’d muster up the courage.

Still, Asuka had a feeling that Mari knew how much she needed her. Mari hadn’t mentioned it (because she knew it would embarrass her), but the way Asuka’s previously disturbing expressions had changed for the better made her smile. She could do nothing to take away all the pain Asuka had experienced in her life, but being there for her helped.

“I’m not thinking about that stuff,” Asuka repeated after a moment of silence.

“Then...what are you thinking about?” Mari responded.

At that, Asuka had the sudden urge to stand and make her way over to Mari’s bed. In all of their years rooming together, she had yet to try and sleep there, despite Mari coming to lay in her bed likely hundreds of times.

“Asuka?”

Asuka stood, and the next thing she knew she was under the blankets with Mari, clinging to her like a terrified child hiding from a thunderstorm. A 28-year-old woman with one of the most important jobs in the world seeking refuge in her coworker. Ugh.

“A- are you-” Mari began.

“No,” Asuka said once more, “I’m not upset. I’m thinking about something...nice.”

“Nice?”

Asuka could hear the laughter in Mari’s voice. She swallowed audibly.

“I was anxious about tomorrow because...Sh- Shinji, he- god, I- I hate him. I hate him so much.” Asuka whispered, her voice worn and exasperated.

“That doesn’t sound very nice.” Mari answered, after realizing Asuka was waiting for her to speak.

“I freaked myself out you know, l- like thinking about how tomorrow we’re gonna dig up Unit-01 a- and I’ll have to be reminded of how h- he did this to me, did this to everyone…”

Mari gently shushed Asuka, grabbing one of her still tiny hands before wrapping her in that warm embrace she had come to love. Asuka wasted no time in hugging Mari back, burying her face within her soft chest, and breathing in the scent of LCL.

They stayed like that for several minutes. Asuka might have even fallen asleep if she hadn’t remembered why she spoke in the first place. She lifted her head from Mari’s body, glancing up to find her teal eyes still open, that gentle cat-like smile upon her face.

“I just realized something,” Asuka whispered.

“What’s that?”

“After I thought about h-him, and everything else...I thought about...I thought about you.”

“Oh, really?”

Asuka nodded quietly, still staring into Mari’s eyes and feeling her hot breath tickle her face.

“I thought about you, and i-it made me happy.”

Mari blinked slowly, her smile faltering a bit. If Asuka were able to see clearly in the dark, she’d have noticed the slight blush that was now covering Mari’s cheeks. Then maybe she’d have been prepared for what Mari said next.

“Asuka, I love you.”

What the fuck? Asuka’s instinct was to push Mari away, to call her stupid and yell at her to never, _ever_ say those words again. That’s what Asuka Langley Shikinami _should_ do in this situation. It’s what she had been trained to do.

But somewhere along the line, sometime between their first meeting and latest embrace, Asuka’s thoughts about feelings had flipped. If she couldn’t find it in herself to be honest around Mari, then she would never know how it felt to not hate everything and everyone.

“You never answered my question,” Asuka muttered, turning her face away.

“Hm? What question?” Mari inquired.

“I asked you what you would do if I died tomorrow.”

Mari smiled, and though Asuka couldn’t see it, she knew it was there.

“You won’t die, I’ll make sure of it.”

At that moment, Asuka had never trusted anyone’s words more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about these two was a lot of fun, I hope we see more of their relationship together in the final film.


	4. Kaji & His Work (Gendo)

Whether he was working for NERV, SEELE, or investigating on his own time, Ryoji Kaji never felt much of anything, though his outwardly flirtatious and clever attitude would have most guessing otherwise. Anyone who knew the guy would never peg him as the type to get too engrossed in the matters of other people, or at least not people he didn’t personally care about.

Kaji wasn’t putting on a new personality or “pretending” to be the fun guy he appeared as, he just...wasn’t showing the whole truth. Like NERV itself, he wasn’t a lie, rather a well-kept secret. Ironically, Kaji’s ultimate goal, no matter how foggy it sometimes seemed in the midst of it all, was to arrive at the truth. Right now, that meant to know with certainty what, or who, these organizations were advancing toward. Most of that question began with Gendo Ikari.

Kaji thought Ikari was a sad man. Not sad for pity’s sake, but sad in the kind of way that makes you want to cringe and turn your face. Though Kaji did not know the intimate details of Ikari's true feelings about anything, he did know his rough backstory. How his wife had been killed and how he’d abandoned his only son. It made him a little bit sick. Though Kaji could not say he knew what it felt like to completely lose the one person you’d dedicated your life to, he was pretty certain he’d never abandon a child if he had one himself. Well, he had lost Katsuragi, and that hurt, but she wasn’t  _ dead _ .

Knowing how Ikari’s son, Shinji, had turned out was what really made his stomach turn. Honestly, Kaji felt bad for the boy. He wasn’t a horrible kid, but he was the spitting image of insecurity. Shinji reminded Kaji a bit of himself at that age, though he had certainly been a lot more outgoing. Kaji was just a little older than Shinji during Second Impact, so he knew how difficult it was to grow up in a world of uncertainty and fear of what would come next. However, Shinji undoubtedly had it worse. After all, Kaji had never been formally given the task of saving the world, let alone as a barely functioning teenager.

Whenever Kaji saw Shinji, he tried his best to offer some offhand advice that the boy likely wouldn’t understand for a long time. This was partially due to their likeness, but it also came from the fact that Kaji could somehow feel closer to himself when he was speaking to others. He didn’t enjoy talking about  _ himself _ , at least not if that meant explaining his past. Kaji preferred to look toward the future instead, even if it was growing bleaker by the day. He just thought maybe Shinji needed some positive male influence in his life. Ikari was nearly as awful as fathers could get, and Katsuragi was...well, even if she weren’t a woman, she was still too unprepared to help Shinji in the ways he needed. Kaji wasn’t around Shinji often, but he hoped some of those words could stop the young boy from losing himself completely.

All Kaji ever  _ did _ was lose himself. In love, truth, and being. As you grow older, you realize the only true difference between adults and children is that adults are better at hiding their confusion. With maturity comes learning to wear a mask over your face, one that only drops for yourself a few instances in a lifetime.

Maybe that sounded cynical, but hey, everyone’s allowed to act that way sometimes.

Kaji was not a depressed individual. He didn’t cry himself to sleep at night, he remained focused on whatever he was working on, and he had fun with the people around him. Being lost didn’t have to be the end of the world. Especially if you’re already 30 and know that being down about life’s unfortunate ways gets you nowhere.

Nowadays, Kaji only wanted two things: one, Katsuragi, and two, to know for sure what the hell was going on. It would be nice to have both, but he had a sneaking suspicion that at least one of those aspirations would not work out in the end.

Katsuragi was driving further and further away the more Kaji tried to hold her. They could laugh and flirt and tease each other all day long, but when the night hit, she wouldn’t stay. In their relationship, there was always something unattainable, something Kaji could never quite get within his grasp. Learning that he had reminded her of her father didn’t clear anything up. It only led him more astray, a feeling he had long grown accustomed to.

Kaji did love Katsuragi, there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that she was the one he was destined to be with. Even eight years after the fact, no woman he’d been with since could satisfy the longing he had for her. Kaji wanted her to be happy above all, and he knew that his place in Katsuragi’s life might not be the best thing, especially if he prompted her to remember a past relationship she’d rather forget.

In all honesty, Katsuragi needed help from someone who hadn’t been intimate with her, but there was no room for that in a world that could end tomorrow. And she would’ve refused the help anyway.

So Kaji focused on work too much, though it didn’t really feel like work when he was endlessly searching for something deeper. Whatever Ikari and his right-hand man had up their sleeves, whether it was in accordance with what he believed was happening or not, drove him a little mad. The time spent alone taking care of his watermelons was the only thing keeping him from forgetting the world around him.

It didn’t matter what the truth was as long as he got there. If the path to the truth was a river of mud that sucked him down to the bottom, so be it. Gendo Ikari’s path was shrouded in mystery, but he still kept his gaze set. Kaji wouldn’t want to compare himself to someone like Ikari, but all humans were the same in their innate desires, so it couldn’t be helped.

And even in wanting to see the truth for himself, Kaji was willing to throw his life away for it. If his death meant they were one step closer, he’d take the bullet. Perhaps that was selfish, especially considering how Katsuragi or anyone else in his life might suffer. Maybe he just needed to push her harder so they could run away together and forget about all this bullshit. It wouldn’t satisfy the other wants in his life, though. That was the catch.

Yes, it could very well be selfish, but with everything else occurring, it was nothing out of the ordinary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a bit longer than usual, sorry about that. The last chapter was longer and more shippy so I think it's fine. Kaji is so interesting to me because we don't know much of his backstory (except in the manga, but that's a different writer). I think I just like characters who are mysterious because Kaworu is my other favorite.


End file.
